6 months

It has been half a year since my mom died.  Sometimes it is really hard.  I think I feel that the most when I have to talk to a lawyer, banker, insurance agent, or any other pencil pusher that might be nagging me or some new asinine piece of information, that leads me down the paper trail of life.  Hansel and Gretal never knew they didn't need bread at all. 

It is weird thinking back 6 months and 1 day ago.  My life was SOOOO different.  So many things have transpired.  I used to call my mom daily.  There might be a day or 2 here and there that I didn't call, but they average out with the days we talked on the phone multiple times a day.  It really was a routine set-up 7 years before she died.  I was in my last semester of grad school and she had just been diagnosed with Cancer.  I was nervous and her surgery, her treatment, about HER.  But she was wise and knew I needed to stay because if I went home to California I probably never would have returned to Michigan and therefore not graduated.  Not that I use my degree now, but I hope to again some day.  And I DID finish.  So we set it up... we talked everyday.  (I did send some of my friends to visit her in the hospital, thank you Shan and Jer)

I came home right after graduating, with a surprise addition... a fiancee. 

My mom and I set to work on wedding plans.  I wore her out... I know, but she loved it.  We loved it.  I think it helped her a lot with chemo.  We would also lay in her bed and watch the Food Network.  She could hardly eat anymore... so we watched.  We would talk about food.

A short while later Chris and I moved in with my parents.  She would sit with me everyday while I was on bed rest with Kiah.  We would chat and watch TV... again.  But this time we would watch home improvement stuff.  I couldn't nest... so I would nest in my imagination.  She would bring me the best little treats and snacks. 

She was at Kiah's birth.

Chris, Kiah and I moved out when Kiah was 18 months.  We moved into my grandpa's house.  Daily I would make the trip to my parents house to visit with my mom.  I can't remember anything in particular we did... we just were.

She was at Eli's birth.

Chris, Kiah, Eli, and I moved halfway across the country.  She came and helped me pick out a house.  She helped me plan and dream about our cute little house.  She came to visit a couple times a year.  She came and watched Kiah and Eli while I gave birth to Annalise.

I called her to visit my friends in the hospital on my behalf. I called her to attend funerals on my behalf.  There was never a question.  My friends were hear friends, her friends were my friends.

The last time I saw her was over a year ago.  It makes me sad to think she never got to see Annalise healthy and strong.  She never got to see the newfangled miracle bottle I discover to solve Anna's hunger strike.

I remember the last time I talked to her on the phone.  It was the day before she died.  She didn't sound well.  She sounded tired and worn down.  The conversation last only about 30 seconds cuz I wanted to let her go to get some rest.  I told her I would call her tomorrow.  It never came. 

I will forever remember what Dr. S told my friend Shannon on Monday, September 14, 2010.  That is why I was calling my mom.  I hung up with Shannon and wanted to call my mom to let her know so she could call Shannon and cheer her up. 

I don't understand why this all had to happen.  My family never goes to the hospital they went to.  They usually go to the hospital that specializes in hearts.  Not because they specialize in hearts, but because they like it better.  My mom is a firm believer in taking an ambulance to be taken seriously at the ER for an emergency, like a heart.  Why didn't she follow her rule?  Why didn't the ER run the standard tests for my mom?  Why didn't the NP the next day run the tests?  Deep down I know no one meant to torture my mom until her death.  I do mean torture... it was an awful way to live for a week, but I think it is still to raw and new a wound to fully be OK. 

The sad part is, I just have to live with these questions.  There is no reason.  The hospital will never talk to me, even though there is no way for me to file any suits.  Why didn't the coroner do an autopsy?  I don't know.

I HATE the fact that Eli and Annalise will not remember their MeeMaw and Kiah will barely remember her.  Any future children we may have will never know her.  I think that is what makes me sad the most.  She LOVED being MeeMaw.  She talked about it all the time.

I had a dream about her the other night.  I talked to her.  It wasn't about anything.  And I had already awoken by the time I realized the gift I was given.  The moment my eyes opened I wanted to return to that special place where my mom was.

In some ways I am thankful for the strength my mom's death has given me.  I am an even bigger advocate for patient rights now.  For those of you that thought I was bad before, you won't be able to imagine the way I feel now.  I also have become much more aware of the need for one to truly know their body.  I also have become more aware of the signs and symptoms of heart problems, particularly in women. 

There was a little bit of irony that my mom left behind.  One of the last things she did was donate money to funraiser my friend Jeremy was participating in for... Heart disease.  At the time of her death she was his only donor.  I felt compelled to match her donation in her honor.

This 6 months was both agonizing slow, and warp speed fast.  I wonder what the next 60 years will feel like.