Layin' Low

I've notice a lot of people have been curious about me and asking about me lately.  Truth be told, I've been laying low.... sorta.  I have been out and about a lot, just not in my usual routine.  In part it has been due to the families schedule, but that isn't the full story.

AT the beginning of January my best friend had a miscarriage.  I was devastated.  I know that may seem weird to  many people that I would feel that way, but she is so much more to me than a best friend, she is my sister.  We have loved and lost so much together and have always been friends.  I knew what a miracle the pregnancy was and how hard it must have been for their family.  They have fought with infertility for many years now and I was so excited for them.

Shortly after she found out she was pregnant, I was excited to realize I shared the same news.  I kept it to myself to allow her the excitement and glow of a new pregnancy after such a long battle.  I wanted it to be her moment.  Unfortunately, it was much shorter lived than anyone wanted.  It was at that point I made the decision to stay quiet.  I knew our due dates would have been so close, I I knew she would be excited for me.  She knew this child was a struggle for us.  BUT I also knew it would hurt.  I also knew I wanted to be the one to tell her, not some random comment from a stranger on Facebook.  So I waited.

It was hard.  We actually ended-up telling far more people than we originally anticipated, mainly because things were not turning out how we planned. Not than anything does!

Chris and I had been hoping for baby #4 for quite some time.  It was hard at times.... especially when people would question me about why we only had 3 kids.  HELLO? that sorta thing can be really rude!  With all the time I had to think about babies and pregnancy and birth and all the research I had done on the topic I decided I definitely wanted a MUCH more natural pregnancy and birth.  So when I found out I was pregnant I began interviewing midwives.  I also decided to see an OB that leans much more that way.  I had seen him before and had mixed feelings about the whole thing, but I thought I would give it one more try.

I went to the OB appointment by myself.  I was surprised when he gave me an ultrasound.  I was about 4-5 weeks at the time, but was a little unsure of the dates because I had been so sick during December.  Also, I was so sick already.  It had never hit me that early before.  And while at the ER the week earlier they ran a Beta hCG test and the levels were really high for one possible and date really low for another. (I was charting and missed a few temps because of illness... it made for a tricky chart)  The Doctor made a comment about twins, which I had been teasing Chris about for a couple weeks.  So I wasn't that surprised when there actually were twins on the ultrasound.  I could see two sacs.  But, one didn't look quite right.  There was something in the sac and it looked to have a heartbeat, but the doctor told me not to expect to carry twins to term.  He told me most likely the abnormally shaped sac would be a vanishing twin.  I didn't know what to think, or feel.  I just knew he wanted to see me back in a week.

It was a long week of a lot of questions and emotions.  Was this why we had to wait for this child... because it was two?! How would we care for twins? would we ever sleep again?  What complications would I have? The next week I went back to the OB and it was confirmed that I only had one baby.  It was hard news.  I actually didn't believe it at first, but I slow came to accept it.  That second appointment confirmed to me that I DID NOT want to have an OB for the care of this baby.  I needed more than what was provided.  That was an emotional appointment for me and I felt like that fact wasn't appreciated.  I felt like I was offered a pat on the head.  I was just told hard news like we were passing food at the dinner table.  I needed more.  I know my support system is dramatically different from the last three times I did this.  I needed more help, more love, more care, more time, more understanding.  I finalized my decision on a midwife.

My first appointment with the midwife was great!  I met with her and her two assistants.  They were lovely.  There were a few little concerns, but we talked about them.  I was spilling a little bit of protein in my urine, but that might have been how and when I ate protein earlier that day.  My blood pressure was up when they first took it, but it was right after we were talking about my OB appointments.  They have met that OB and understood what I meant.  His personality can be a bit to deal with.  Anyway, they retook it a bit later and it was fine.  They measured my belly and it was 11 cm which was right on for where I was at 10w3d.  AND we were able to find and hear the heartbeat.  The baby is a wiggler.

The whole family is excited.  We really, really are.  Of course, we will be more excited when Boards are over in a couple of weeks!